Cool One Liners

When I was born, I was so surprised I didn't
talk for a year and a half.


If your parents never had children, chances
are you won't, either.


Join the army, see the world, meet interesting
people, and kill them.


Until I was 13, I thought my name was 'Shut
Up.'


I'm not afraid to die. I just don't want to be
there when it happens.


Always and never are two words you should
always remember never to use.


Is man one of God's blunders or is God one of
man's blunders?


I've never been drunk, but often I've been
over served.


The road to success is always under
construction.


I say no to drugs -- they just don't listen!


A friend in need is a pest indeed.


Marriage is one of the chief causes of
divorce.


Work is fine if it doesn't take up too much of
your time.


When everything's coming your way, you're in
the wrong lane.


Born free; Taxed to death.


Everyone has a photographic memory; some
people just don't have film.


Life is unsure; always eat your dessert first.


Smile -- it makes people wonder what you're up
to.


If you keep your feet firmly on the ground,
you'll have trouble putting on your pants.


I love being a writer... what I can't stand is
the paperwork.


A printer consists of 3 main parts: the case,
the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light.


The hardest part of skating is the ice.


The guy who invented the first wheel was an
idiot; the guy who invented the other three, he was
the genius.


The trouble with being punc tual is that
there's no one there to appreciate it.


If our constitution allows us free speech, why
are there phone bills?