Cosmetic Surgery

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the man's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from his body because he was too skinny. So the wife offered to donate some of her own skin.

However, the only skin on her body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from her buttocks.

The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and they requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the man's new face. He looked more handsome than he ever had before! All his friends and relatives just went on and on about his youthful beauty!

One day, he was alone with his wife. He said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me.
How can I possibly repay you?"

"My darling," she replied, "I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheeks.��

What-A-Loo

Is it for real??????

Google in 2084 - Something to think about?

Techno Terms

Do you want to impress or confuse clients or Vice versa?.........use
Techno vocabulary.. It can be called the "Buzzword" writing method.
It is simple.

There are three columns of words involved, as follows:

0. Balanced 0. Management 0. contingency
1. total 1. Organization 1. Hardware (or software)
2. integrated 2. reciprocal 2. projection
3. compatible 3. monitored 3. time-frame
4. synchronized 4. digital 4. concept
5. optimal 5. modular 5. programming
6. responsive 6. transitional 6. mobility
7. functional 7. Incremental 7. capability
8. parallel 8. third-generation 8. flexibility
9. systemized 9. policy 9. options

Just select any three-digit number; then use the corresponding Buzzwords
from the above grid, e.g., 257: "integrated modular capability".
Don't worry if it doesn't make sense to you; it won't mean anything to
anyone else either, but they'll think you're just smarter than they are
so they won't say anything!! ..
You can propose "systemized reciprocal options" (929) to achieve "optimal
transitional flexibility" (568), so that we can think of an "integrated
monitored projection" ..............and your boss will probably promote
you or your customer will be blown away with your technological superiority.

Think before you act

Dear Husband,
I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you for good.
I've been a good woman to you for seven years and I have nothing to show for it. These last two weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you had quit your job today and that was the last straw.
Last week, you came home and didn't notice that I had gotten my hair and nails done, cooked your favorite meal and even wore a brand new negligee. You came home and ate in two minut es, and went straight to sleep after watching the game. You don't tell me you love me anymore, you don't touch me or anything. Either you're cheating or you don't love me anymore, what ever the case is, I'm gone.
P.S. If you're trying to find me, don't. Your BROTHER and I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life!
Your EX-Wife


Dear Ex-Wife,

Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true
that you and I have been married for seven years, although a good woman is a far cry from what you've been. I watch sports so much to try to drown out your constant nagging. Too bad that doesn't work.
I did notice when you cut off all of your hair last week, the first thing that came to mind was "You look just like a man!" My mother raised me to not say anything if you can't say anything nice.
When you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY BROTHER, because I stopped eating pork seven years ago.
I went to sleep on you when you had on that new negligee because the price tag was still on it. I prayed that it was a coincidence that my brother had just borrowed fifty dollars from me that morning and your negligee was $49.99.
fAter all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could work it out. So when I discovered that I had hit the lotto for ten million dollars, I quit my job and bought us two tickets to Jamaica. But when I got home you were gone. Everything happens for a reason I guess. I hope you have the filling life you always wanted.
My lawyer said with your letter that you wrote, you won't get a dime from me. So take care.

P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this but Carl, my brother was born Carla. I hope that's not a problem.
Signed Rich As Hell and Free!

Technology-What is TWAIN?

TWAIN:

Its the technology used to capture data from scanner, web camera to the PC.

There is an interesting story behind this technology.

Some companies had co-jointly found this technology (a universal standard
TWAIN ), but they doesn't know how to name this technology. And, they
didn't come to a uniform name. So, finally they decided to keep the name as
TWAIN.

TWAIN stands for Technology Without An Interesting Name.

cool isn't it!!!

Where can I find this feature / tech:
* take any photo editing tool like photoshop, ACDSee etc.
* In these tools u can check for Acquire option -> Twain setup. (for
scanner and web camera).

Note: The drivers written for scanners and web camera has to be developed
based on TWAIN standard, then only the image editing s/w or any other s/w
can get data using their drivers.

Saying right things at the wrong times

Martin wakes up at home with a huge hangover.
He forces himself to open his eyes,
and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of
water on the side table.
He sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and
pressed.
Martin looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order,
spotless, clean. So is the rest of the house.
He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table.
"Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping. Love
You !! !"
So he goes to the kitchen and sure enough there is a hot breakfast
and the morning newspaper.
His son is also at the table, eating.
Martin asks, "Son, what happened last night?"
His son says, "Well, you came home around 3 AM, drunk and delirious.

Broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and gave yourself a black
eye when you stumbled into the door."
Confused, Martin asks, "So, why is everything in order and so clean,

and breakfast is on the table waiting for me? I should expect a big
quarrel with her!"
His son replies, "Oh, that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when
she tried to take your clothes n shoes off,
you said, "Lady leave me alone! I'm married!"



Moral
Self-induced hangover -- $ 100.00

Broken furniture --
$2,000.00
Breakfast --
$ 10.00
Saying The Right Thing While Drunk -- PRICELESS

Women on Top

For all those men who say, "Why buy the cow when you
can get the milk for
free". Here's an update for you.
Nowadays 80% of women are against marriage.
Why? Because women realize its not worth buying an
entire Pig, just to get a
little sausage.
_______________________
One day my housework-challenged husband decided to
wash his sweatshirt.
Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he
shouted to me, "What
setting do I use on the washing machine?"
"It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your
shirt?"
He yelled back, "University of Oklahoma."
And they say blondes are dumb...
_______________________
A couple is lying in bed. The man says, "I am going to
make you the happiest
woman in the world"
The woman says, "I'll miss you..."
_______________________
"It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack says
as he stepped out of
the shower, "honey, what do you think the neighbours
would think if I mowed
the lawn like this?"
"Probably that I married you for your money," she
replied.
______________________
He: "Since I first laid eyes on you, I have wanted to
make love to you
really badly."
She: "Well, you succeeded."
______________________
He: "What have you been doing with all the grocery
money I gave you?"
She: "Turn sideways and look in the mirror."
______________________
Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking,
sensitive man?
A: A rumour
_______________________
A man and his wife, now in their 60's, were
celebrating their 40th wedding
anniversary. On their special day a good fairy came to
them and said that
because they had been such a devoted couple she would
grant each of them a
very special wish.
The wife wished for a trip around the world with her
husband. Whoosh!
Immediately she had airline/cruise tickets in her
hands.
The man wished for a female companion 30 years younger
than him. Whoosh...
immediately he turned 90!
Gotta love that fairy!

How to scare a software engineer...

Forecast

A frog once goes to an astrologer, to know about his future.

The astrologer says "You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know
everything about you."
The frog says, "This is great! Will I meet her at a party, or what?"

No," says the astrologer "Next semester in her biology class."

Grandpa's Safe Sex

A teenage boy and his grandfather go fishing one day. While fishing, the old man starts talking about how times have changed. The young man picks up on this and starts talking about the various problems and diseases going around.

The teen says, "Grandpa, they didn't have a whole lot of problems with all these diseases when you were young, did they?"

Grandpa replies, "Nope."

Teen says, "Well, what did you guys use for safe sex?"

Grandpa replies, "A wedding ring."

Arj Hai……….

Tumse mila main kal to,

Mere dil mein hua ek sound,
Lekin aaj tum mili To kehti ho:

Your file not found!

Who's your daddy?

A father put his three year old daughter to bed, told her a story and
listened to her prayers which she ended by saying "God bless Mommy, God
bless daddy, God bless grandma and good-bye grandpa."
The father asked, "Why did you say good-bye grandpa?"

The little girl said, "I don't know daddy, it just seemed like the thing
to
do."

The next day grandpa died.

The father thought it was a strange coincidence.
A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her
prayers, which went like this: "God bless Mommy, God Bless daddy and
good-bye grandma."

The next day the grandmother died.

Oh my god, thought the father, this kid is in contact with the other
side.

Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her
say,
"God bless Mommy and good-bye daddy."

He practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night and got up
at
the crack of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day,
had
lunch sent in and watched the clock. He figured if he could get by until
midnight he would be okay. He felt safe in the office, so instead of
going
home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at
his
watch and jumping at every sound.
Finally midnight arrived, he breathed a sigh of relief and went home.

When he got home his wife said "I've never seen you work so late, what's
the
matter?" He said "I don't want to talk about it, I've just spent the
worst
day of my life."

She said "You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what
happened
to me. This morning our neighbour James dropped dead on our porch."

CN Tower never looked better

This is the best picture of the CN Tower ever taken. The tower is pointed by a red marker so as you don't get lost in anything else.

UN Survey

A worldwide survey was conducted by the UN.


The only question asked was,

Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"


The survey was a huge failure.

In Africa they didn't know what 'food' meant. In India they didn't know what 'honest' meant. In Europe they didn't know what 'shortage' meant. In China they didn't know what 'opinion' meant. In the Middle East they didn't know what 'solution' meant. In South America they didn't know what 'please' meant. And in the USA they didn't know what 'the rest of the world' meant.

Pedro's Prayers

Pedro was driving down the street in a sweat because he had a very important meeting and could not find a parking place.
Looking up toward heaven, he said "Lord, please take pity on me. If you find me a parking space I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of my life and give up tequila!"

Miraculously, a parking space appeared....



Pedro looked up again & said, "Never mind Lord, I found one!"

Cool One Liners

When I was born, I was so surprised I didn't
talk for a year and a half.


If your parents never had children, chances
are you won't, either.


Join the army, see the world, meet interesting
people, and kill them.


Until I was 13, I thought my name was 'Shut
Up.'


I'm not afraid to die. I just don't want to be
there when it happens.


Always and never are two words you should
always remember never to use.


Is man one of God's blunders or is God one of
man's blunders?


I've never been drunk, but often I've been
over served.


The road to success is always under
construction.


I say no to drugs -- they just don't listen!


A friend in need is a pest indeed.


Marriage is one of the chief causes of
divorce.


Work is fine if it doesn't take up too much of
your time.


When everything's coming your way, you're in
the wrong lane.


Born free; Taxed to death.


Everyone has a photographic memory; some
people just don't have film.


Life is unsure; always eat your dessert first.


Smile -- it makes people wonder what you're up
to.


If you keep your feet firmly on the ground,
you'll have trouble putting on your pants.


I love being a writer... what I can't stand is
the paperwork.


A printer consists of 3 main parts: the case,
the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light.


The hardest part of skating is the ice.


The guy who invented the first wheel was an
idiot; the guy who invented the other three, he was
the genius.


The trouble with being punc tual is that
there's no one there to appreciate it.


If our constitution allows us free speech, why
are there phone bills?

Work of art in MS-Paint

I got this picture as a mail forward from a friend of mine. According to the mail, the picture of Venice is drawn using Microsoft paint and claims that the artist took 500 hours to finish of the work.

Whether the details are true or just an imagination of an idol mind (generally the IT guys), the image looks great and does nothing to spoil the beauty that is Venice.

Hip Tech

When it comes to gadgets I am always on the look out for the coolest technology. This blog I found while surphing the blogosphere has got on display some cool gadgets. I always liked sites related to gizmos. Hope you like it too.

Wanna here a blonde joke?

A blind man makes his way to a bar stool and orders a drink.
After sitting there for awhile, he yells to the bartender,
"Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"

The bar immediately falls absolutely quiet. In a very deep,
husky voice, the woman next to him says, before you tell that
joke, sir, I think it is only fair... given that you are blind,
that you should know five things:

1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.

2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.

3. I'm a 6 foot tall, 175 lb. blonde woman with a black belt in
karate.

4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional
weight-lifter.

5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

"Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell
that joke?"



The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and
mutters, "Nah...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five
times."

Thanks to http://eyerocker.blogspot.com/